Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
