As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
