I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
