I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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