i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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