there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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