I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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