well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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