i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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