I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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