she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
