It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
