I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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