The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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