So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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