Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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