Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
