So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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