is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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