I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
