I must be too annoying 4 u.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
