I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.