Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.