Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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