I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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