FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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