Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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