I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
