I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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