You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
