Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
