For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
