I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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