Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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