He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
