so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
