I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
