Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how do flat chested girls get laid?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
