The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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