I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
