Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
