I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
