I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
