Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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