Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
