Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am puke
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
