Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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