Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
