Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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