3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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