I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
