I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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