You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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