Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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