did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
