You just made me feel so damn special
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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