It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
