Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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