I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
