apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
