Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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