Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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