I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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