So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
